Diaries are for writing thoughts, not for having people read.
I shouldn't have to censor myself to write an entry, and then worry about who is going to read it and what they might say.

He doesn't call me anymore.
At first I didn't think it would have that big of an affect on me.
I really didn't think mush of this would.
But I go by on a daily basis, and I realise more and more that it is.
Maybe I'm getting worse and worse by the day?

I miss it.
I miss talking at night.
I miss feeling safe.
I miss knowing no matter what's wrong someone cares.
I miss having someone there.
I miss caring about someone.
I miss handholding, and deep kisses.
I miss sleepovers.
I miss the zoo.
I miss making nicknames.
I miss blushing.
I miss talking about everything and everyone to someone.
I miss going places.
I miss being introduced as someone important.
I miss him.

I don't do regrets.
But sometimes I feel almost as if I do.
Like, maybe I wish that I hadn't said any of it.
Like I hadn't written anything or done anything.
Like as if things were never changed.

I've been really sick, lots, lately.
And I know when and why I get sick.
Even if I never told anyone.
Most people know it's because I have a REALLY weak immune system.
But I know another part of that.

I don't think I've ever thought about anyhting SO much.
I feel like such a tool.

I almost think I need a good punch in the teeth.

With this, I don't think I'll get a second chance.
I don't think he'll give it to me.
He already basically stated that.

He used to hate phones, but he used to LOVE talking n them with me.
He'd never miss a night, and he never complained.
Now he just hates phones.

I'm not even part of it anymore.

I lost it.
I'm an idiot.
He's over this.
I'm not.

...great.

On another note, I failed calm.
No diploma for me.

I'm just another highschool student that couldn;t complete her highschool life.
I know I just needed some help.
I just needed someone there while I was doing it, so that I wouldn;t get so bored.
I could talk and type and whatever.

Dad doesn't know yet.
But when he finds out, he is GOING to rage and I KNOW it.
That sucks.

Mom's trying to help me through all of this right now, and it's sweet, but she is still SO far away so it's just not the same.
I'm going to go visit her soon.
And Naomi is going to go.
Cause Ada was suppost to, but I just don't think that is still going down, and I don't think he'd REALLY want to anymore.
He has other things to do now, people to hang with, girls to meet, and music to write.

Ugh.

I feel like shit.
I need to party.

Where are my B&H's and Brahma?

pce.

xoChelsee.

P.s.
I even cut down to 1 smoke a day for about a week and a half to make myself feel better.
I figured maybe that way I'd have a better chance with him.
But then I realised I was being silly.

Relationship 101?
More like drama 101.

pce.

xoChelsee.

yesterday - tomorrow